good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
