dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
