Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize