You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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