Four minutes until I can fart!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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