Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
