Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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