and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
