she looked like the before picture.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
