Umm I'm too high to move.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
