You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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