The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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