I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize