i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
