that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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