seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
