ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
