I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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