you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
