You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
