well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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