I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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