I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
