Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
