He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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