3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There's always time for handjobs
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
