We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
