I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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