Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
