She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
