Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
