Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize