he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
