Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
