You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
