Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
