Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
did i walk over a car last night?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You are a genius and a whore.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
