When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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