He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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