Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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