I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
