Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
