im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It was like giving head to a cactus.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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