you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
