I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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