Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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