Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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