just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
