I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
