There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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