Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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