i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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