i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He kissed a someone with a penis
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
