dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
