If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The uberlube is also flammable
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
