i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
