Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
