After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
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