On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize