made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
