I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
