what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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