pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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